Open relationships allow partners to move away from monogamy to seek someone else’s sex or emotional attachment. Partners can have occasional or regular sex with another person. Every open relationship is different and communication is the key to yours success.
Want to try open relationships? You are on the right page and this guide will take you through your first steps. In an exclusive relationship (or “traditional” or “classic”, it’s the same thing) for some time? You have decided together to open your marriage, well done! It probably took courage to broach the subject and a little help is always welcome. An open relationship is not something to be taken lightly. This guide is here to help you move forward together and avoid pitfalls.
Table of Contents
What is an open relationship?
The idea of an open marriage gained fame in the 1970s when Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill published their pioneering book Open Marriage: A New Lifestyle for Couples. The book helped foster a sexual revolution in which old-fashioned ideals of marriage were stripped in favor of contemporary ideas about love and relationships.
Definitions
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes an open marriage as a relationship in which the partners agree to allow each other to have sexual partners outside of marriage. With a more modern definition, the Urban Dictionary states that an open relationship is when “Two people agree that they want to be together, but can’t really promise that they won’t see other people too. “
Other terms
An open relationship is different from infidelity, swing, and polyamory. Infidelity is when a partner begins a new physical, sexual, or emotional relationship with another person without their partner’s consent. Swinging is when a partner has a new relationship with a purely sexual basis rather than an emotional one. Polyamory allows partners to be in more than one committed relationship at a time, and all of these relationships can be equally important.
How to have an open relationship
An open relationship should be attempted for the right reasons. You should feel completely committed to your partner, but want the freedom to have sex or emotionally elsewhere.
Communication
Communication is the most important part of an open relationship. You will need to work out boundaries and parameters with your partner regarding gender, emotions, and acceptable personal choices with a partner outside of the relationship. For example, you can agree that condoms should always be used, that sex with friends or colleagues is prohibited, or that only one other sexual partner is allowed at a time.
Limits
Once you agree on the boundaries, accept that they aren’t set in stone. This doesn’t mean that a partner can ignore them, but it does mean that another discussion can take place to assess whether the boundaries are working or whether a change is needed.
Honesty
Starting an open relationship is something you have to agree on together. Staying open and honest is therefore essential. An open relationship is not the same as having an affair, so if you feel the urge to lie or keep secrets from your partner, you will need to determine the root of the dishonesty.
Enjoyment
Couples start an open relationship to have fun! Having an open relationship shouldn’t be seen as a punishment for either partner. If either of you doesn’t like it, it’s time to have an honest conversation. Couples in open relationships often believe that you can’t get everything you need from one person. By seeking sex or privacy elsewhere, you should be able to enjoy life and love more with your partner.
How popular are open relationships?
Being in an open relationship means moving away from the traditional conventions of a monogamous relationship. For some, this departure from the well-established status quo is a frightening prospect, and an open relationship won’t be right for everyone.
However, when both partners enter into an open relationship together, it can be successful. A study of 2,270 Americans in 2012 led researchers EC Levine et al. to conclude that 4% had had an open relationship. Men, gays and lesbians, bisexual participants, and those identified as “other, non-Hispanic” were the most likely to have entered into an open relationship.
A 2016 study found that open relationships were more common among young adults. In fact, 71% of participants aged 50 or older said they would leave their partner if they wanted to have an open relationship. Only 1% of participants in this age group had entered into an open relationship.
Open relationships in popular culture
One of the reasons that open relationships are more popular or more easily accepted by young people could be their existence in popular culture. Broad City, No Tomorrow, and Big Love have all addressed non-monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory. Watching characters in modern relationships can lead to a greater acceptance of “alternative” relationships.
What are the advantages of an open relationship?
At first glance, an open relationship may seem like the kind of choice only a couple with problems can make. On the contrary, open relationships should only be entered into by a couple who are completely secure in their partnership and their feelings for each other. An open relationship requires trust, honesty, and great communication to be successful.
Those who are considering entering an open relationship will find plenty of reasons to do so. An open relationship can pave the way for a stronger, closer relationship with your partner while allowing you to be intimate with another person.
New attraction
Some people start an open relationship because they are attracted to someone else, but don’t want their current relationship to end. A partner may find that they cannot meet the sexual needs of others or that they have different sexual urges. Together, they can decide that these sexual needs can be met elsewhere. This allows the couple to stay together without sex (or in the absence of sex) causing resentment.
Wild sex
Years after starting a relationship, sex may follow the same pattern each time or become less frequent. Having a sexual partner outside of the relationship is likely to offer uplifting and spontaneous sex. Sex can occur more frequently, or with more variety or excitement than in the primary relationship. Having a new sexual partner outside of your relationship can also inject new sparks of arousal into sex with your primary partner.
New thrills
Some people are looking for the thrill of a new relationship. These thrills can include heightened emotions or adventurous sex.
Sexual orientation
Having an open relationship can be helpful for partners with different sexual orientations. Bisexual people may desire sex with someone of the opposite sex to their partner.
A man who is engaged in a relationship with a woman, but who later realizes that he is gay, may not want to end his long-term relationship but desires to have sex with men outside of the relationship. His female partner may accept that he has sex outside of the relationship and choose to have sex with other men herself. As long as both partners are happy and comfortable, this arrangement can work well.
Accomplishment
If a desire, urge, or desire for sex is unmet in your relationship, you may start to resent your partner. An open relationship allows partners to feel sexually satisfied. This, in turn, can help you appreciate your partner for all of their other qualities, rather than becoming blinded by resentment.
Difficulties of an open relationship
An open relationship will not be right for all couples. Embarking on this lifestyle can lead to difficult and upset feelings within the relationship.
Jealousy
The most obvious downside to an open relationship is jealousy. You have to be incredibly secure in your relationship to be okay with your partner having sex or feeling emotional attraction with someone else.
Feeling vulnerable
One partner may begin to feel vulnerable when the other finds satisfaction in a partner elsewhere. This can lead to low self-esteem or a feeling of inadequacy.
Ignore problems
Sometimes the demand for an open relationship is made when the relationship has a bad foundation. Any couple who are considering an open relationship should ask themselves if they are truly happy together. Some couples enter into an open relationship when they are unhappy together but are too afraid to separate. Trying an open relationship is one that doesn’t work will lead to more heartbreak than a mature separation.
Confidence
If there is a trust issue in your relationship, an open relationship may not be appropriate. If one partner has previously had an affair, for example, the other partner may be unable to enter into an open relationship. They may fear that their partner will repeat dishonest behavior under the guise of an open relationship.