The ability to admit to one’s own wrong-doing and take responsibility for it is a crucial part of healthy relationships. Unfortunately, some people have learned to relativize blame, maneuver out of responsibility and turn it on their partner as a way of avoiding taking ownership and accountability of their mistakes. This phenomenon is known as blame-shifting in relationships. Here, we look at what it is, some of its implications and how to address it.
What Is Blame-Shifting in Relationships?
Blame-shifting in relationships is when one partner attempts to shift the responsibility, guilt and consequent repercussions of their own mistakes onto their partner. Typically, this happens when a partner engages in behavior that threatens the stability of their relationship, either due to its nature (e.g. unfaithfulness, addiction, abuse) or because of the effects it has (e.g. hurt feelings, financial hardship, etc.).
By avoiding assuming responsibility for their behavior, an individual is able to protect themselves from having to face the consequences of their actions. This often results in a persistent cycle of blame-shifting, making it difficult for the couple to resolve their conflicts and build a strong foundation together.
Signs of Blame-Shifting in Relationships
It is important to be aware of the warning signs that blame-shifting could be occurring in a relationship, so that appropriate action can be taken to prevent it from escalating and becoming a recurring issue. Keep an eye out for the following:
• Aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior.
• Refusal to take responsibility for their actions or deflection of blame onto their partner or external sources.
• Use of extravagant stories or emotional appeals to justify their own irresponsible behavior.
• Attempts to manipulate their partner’s thoughts and feelings by placing the blame entirely on them for any difficulties that have occurred.
• Accusations of being treated unfairly or being held to higher standards than themselves by their partner.
• Accusations of being nit-picked or overlooked when their partner tries to discuss their mistakes with them.
Effects of Blame-Shifting in Relationships
The practice of shifting blame can have several detrimental effects on a relationship. As it is effectively a form of relationship abuse, it can build mistrust and resentment between the partners, lead to communication breakdowns, restrict accountability and prevent couples from seeking solutions that put their relationship on the right track.
In addition, this behavior can cause serious emotional distress to the partner who is subjected to the blame-shifting. Feeling blamed, shamed and attacked can lead them to develop a sense of helplessness, worsen existing mental health issues and even bring up feelings similar to those experienced in childhood bullying.
How to Address Blame-Shifting in Relationships
Fortunately, blame-shifting in relationships can be tackled through a few simple steps. Here is a summary:
• Create a safe and non-judgemental space for both partners to voice their concerns and feelings.
• Teach both partners the importance of being honest and taking responsibility for one’s own mistakes.
• Break down the cycle of blame-shifting by establishing clearly rules that both partners need to abide by (e.g. no aggressive language, no distractions, etc.).
• Use compassion to guide each other towards understanding and looking for solutions, instead of attacking each other.
• Create action plans that both partners agree upon which clearly spell out their responsibilities in resolving the issues.
• Define and communicate the consequences of both partners’ wrong doings, and make sure they are enforced each time.
Having to confront one’s own wrong-doing and take responsibility for it can be painful and emotionally draining. Inevitably, some people in relationships turn to blame-shifting as a way of avoiding this difficult process. Thankfully, this unhealthy behavior can be addressed by creating safe, non-judgemental spaces for communication and collaboration, which will ultimately lead to both partners taking ownership for their mistakes and developing healthier relationships.